Shame
"But shame is like a wound that is never exposed and therefore never heals."
I have had a lifelong struggle with guilt and shame. I have kept it buried deep within my for years. Some of it for over 30 years. The pain caused by this guilt and shame has been so horrific that it nearly cost me my life. In an effort to cope with the pain rather than treat it I turned to alcohol, and eventually drugs. As years progressed, my shame grew and my addiction took hold. The whirlwind of thoughts and beliefs in myself took me to some deep dark places.
It was not until I recently discovered in my addiction treatment, that this shame that I felt may not be all that rational after all. Perhaps I had been beating myself up all these years for nothing. In my discussions with my counselor, Kayla and my readings of the book; "Daring Greatly" I began to see that my actions were not all that bad. Perhaps I need not feel guilty at all. Most certainly I did not have to feel ashamed of myself, as given the situations, it is somewhat understandable how I acted and/or reacted. My sexual exploration as a child is something that does not define me as an adult. My inability to prevent friends from committing suicide is not a reflection on me as a person or a friend. And last but certainly not least, my image of myself as an overweight, underachieving failure that is not deserving of love and affection is most definitely not the case at all.
I have done a lot of things in my life that I am not particularly proud of. Most of which were driven by my drinking and drugging. Most of which were also a feeble attempt at searching for peace and happiness in someone or something that simply could not be found there. I tried to escape myself as much as possible and leave the pain and the wounds behind. Running farther and faster until one day I did not know where I was or even who I had become. I was in the depths of despair and did not care if I died. As a matter of fact, death would likely have been a blessing.
I know now that exposure of these irrational beliefs is the only way to heal. I have to be vulnerable and take off the mask. I have to stop running. It is time for me to rediscover who I am and be myself.
