My Story of Addiction, Crime and Transformation
During the past month, I have had the opportunity to speak at three town hall meetings on Rural Crime. One was hosted by Dr. Richard Starke, MLA, one by Colleen Young, MLA and the other by Shannon Stubbs, MP. My message was well received however it became very clear that there still exists a lot of stigma and ignorance on mental health and addictions. Sharing my story has been my way of opening the minds of those with these prejudices. This is my written version of my speech. My actual speeches differed a bit but the basic idea is still there.
Photo Credit: Vermilion Voice
I would first like to thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my story and shed some light on the troubling issue of rural crime. I have a unique perspective on this issue, as I have been both a victim of crime as well as a perpetrator. I have struggled with mental health and addiction issues for most of my life and these issues ultimately led to multiple convictions for drug possession, property crime, theft and police evasion. I have served my time for these convictions and am one of the few that were able to get the help that I needed to turn my life around. I have been clean now for over 18 months and am once again a contributing member of society. This life transformation however was anything but easy and I am grateful for the opportunity to tell you why.
I grew up on a farm near Alcurve (North or Lloydminster, AB) and went to school in Marwayne, AB. My parents still live on the farm and are active members within the community. By societal standards, I had a good upbringing and was afforded many opportunities to make a great life for myself. The unfortunate reality was thought, that I struggled with mental health and addiction issues that I refused to face, combined with the ability to mask my symptoms and live a semi functional life. This however did not last forever.
One of my most haunting childhood memories is from when I was 12 or 13. I can remember being suicidal and wanting to end my pain. My father had bought me a 4-10 shotgun so that we could go hunting together. I really did enjoy this and spent a lot of time out on the farm exploring and shooting. The unfortunate thing is that my most vivid memory with this gun is sitting and crying in the hay stack with the gun pointed at my head with the finger on the trigger. I do not remember what was really going through my mind or why I decided not to pull the trigger that day but I am glad that I did not. Looking back, it was clear that I was struggling with mental health issues and I felt alone and isolated in my misery. To this day, I have never told my parents of this.
My addiction issues started for me later in my teens. Initially these issues started as compulsions which eventually manifested into process addictions. By the time I was 15, I was drinking regularly and my substance use was well on its way to become a debilitating addiction. Shortly after my 16th birthday, I rolled my first vehicle, a '79 Chev pickup that my parents bought me for my birthday. This would be the first of nearly a dozen vehicles that I would go on to total in my life. Throughout high school, drinking and partying became my primary focus and my marks began to fall. I was always a smart kid and received honors in school for every year except grade 12. At certain points in my teenage years I was drinking every day, especially during the summer. I got alcohol for the first time at the age of 16 and already had numerous altercations with the police. My entire life was centered around drinking, partying, having fun and hanging out with my friends. I somehow managed to find a girlfriend when I was 16 and miraculously ended up getting married to her 6 years later. It was at this age that I also became quite accustomed to loss as I suffered the suicidal death of a friend, the death of my Grandpa and many friends that moved away. I would not realize until much later in my life, how much all these events would affect me.
After high school I would do a year of college and then moved to Whitecourt, AB to work in the oil patch. After doing this for a couple years, I returned to school at the University of Lethbridge where I got married to my high school sweetheart. I managed to party my way through 4 years there and never completed my degree. We moved to Calgary and had two beautiful children. As I fell deeper into my addiction, my life fell apart piece by piece. I got divorced, my children were taken away from me and I lost multiple jobs.
In an attempt to run away from my addiction, I quit my job in Calgary and moved out to Victoria. Things were good there for about 6 months but slowly my addiction began to creep back into my life. After going through a couple jobs and losing my license, I found the perfect job for someone with an addiction, collections. I would do this for a few years, allowing my substance use to grow out of control with harder and harder drugs. I eventually found myself addicted to heroin and crack, homeless and living on the street. I had had multiple interactions with the police over the years but never faced anything more serious than a DUI. My life was clearly out of control and I really was facing death. As a matter of fact, death would have been desired outcome. My father flew out to Victoria and drove me back to Lloydminster and got me into detox at Thorpe. I completed detox and about a month later got a bed for the residential treatment program. This however was not to be as I got myself kicked out struggling with overwhelming emotions and anger issues. Looking back now I truly believe that I was doomed from the start. Given the extent of my use, there was no way I was mentally prepared or healed to begin facing the deep and complex issues addressed in residential treatment. I had been using heavily for over a decade and that level of use takes considerably longer than a month or two heal from.
I soon returned to my active addiction returning to Calgary for a short time and then back to Victoria. It wasn’t long before my life once again spiraled out of control. After the suicidal death of a close friend and getting beat up in a hotel room I tried once again to get clean and returned to Lloydminster. After a couple of months I got a job in Edmonton and moved there. I managed to stay clean and sober for a few months but once again, I feel back into my addiction and my life seemed to continue, right where I had left off and once again found myself jobless, homeless and in trouble with the law. Things were quite different this time though as I had got myself addicted to meth. I had managed to stay away from heroin but meth had got a hold of me and my life changed forever. Meth is a drug that destroys your soul and leaves you nothing but an empty shell. I eventually got caught with a stolen vehicle and thus began my cycle of addiction and jail. Over the next couple years I would be caught and returned to remand 4 times. At one point I had outstanding court issues in 5 jurisdictions from Mayorthorpe to Medicine Hat.
Addiction is defined as the continuation of an activity despite negative consequences. Individuals struggling with addiction cannot comprehend the effects of their actions as there is really only one focus and that is the continual supply of their substance and the maintenance of their addiction. Whether it is drugs or alcohol, the only thing that someone struggling with addiction considers is making sure that they always have access or a plan to ensure that they do not have to function without their drug of choice. Their drug of choice or alcohol is necessary for survival. The fear of having to deal with life without it, engages the most primal instinct and results in individuals doing things that they would not normally do to ensure that their addiction is not interrupted. For someone without a job and even the ability to maintain a job, criminal activity is the only viable option to maintain use. The addictive mind tells you that you must do what you have to in order to ensure that you can survive another day.
I am here to tell you that stiffer penalties such as longer jail sentences or the threat of retaliation by homeowners will do little to nothing to deter crime. If you are looking for permission to take matters into your own hands, I ask that you consider this. How would you feel about facing my parents who live in this community, after you shot me? I could have been that guy. Those committing crimes are just like I was 2 years ago. Remember my definition of addiction; continuation despite negative consequences. The definition does not say the continuation of use despite minor negative consequences, it refers to any and all consequences. With 75 to 90% of incarcerated individuals struggling with addictions according to stats Canada, we cannot expect that consequences are a solution. I can honestly tell you that I never once considered the consequences of my actions before I committed a crime. It never crossed my mind once. The only thing that I was thinking about was how to pull off the job without getting caught so I would not jeopardize my continued use, my basic need for survival. I faced many consequences including death and none of them deterred me from my activities. I have overdosed multiple times, been shot at, been stabbed, been beaten up with sledge hammers and tire irons and yet I continued using. I lost my family, got divorced, lost my home and ultimately lost everything including my freedom. Those in active addiction use despite the ultimate penalty, death.
The reason for this has to do with neuropathways in the brain. For a normal person, the prefrontal cortex is utilized in order to make rational decisions weighing all available information. In other words, if the consequences of an action are not desirable, one will not engage in that activity or behavior. For someone struggling with addiction, there is little to no involvement in the decision making process by the prefrontal cortex. Decisions are based in the limbic system and are virtually instinctual or survival based. Little to no consideration of consequences, short term or long term. The brain considers the engagement in the addictive behavior as a need for survival and therefore all actions are centered on ensuring this need gets met in order to survive. It is for this reason that we have seen many people struggling with addictions seemingly make the most irrational decisions. The fact is these are not decisions at all, they are simply automatic processes that involve little to no thought.
Throughout my many years of addiction, I continued to use despite the eventual outcome. I did not set out to become an addict, lose everything or go to jail. It was an evolving process caused by a number of different experiences and variables. This is the case with most people struggling with addictions. What is required to end the cycle of addiction-crime and jail is increased support and treatment. There must be on-demand rehabilitation services available at every intervention point including remand and jails. There must be an uninterrupted continuum of care from the point when an individual decides to get help and individuals cannot be expected to return to the environment that got them into trouble in the first place to await available treatment. Expecting that this will work simply suggests that we are the irrational ones.
Unfortunately the system is currently set up for failure. Once in the remand system there is little to no help available for addiction support. In my four of my stays at Edmonton remand I was able to see and addiction counselor once and in Calgary I never was able to see one. There are very few facilities that will accept an intake from remand and even if they do, one must get out to apply for income assistance prior to going to a facility. The week or two process of jumping through hoops to get on assistance is often too much for anyone struggling with addiction to handle. The outcome more often than not is simply a return to the addictive behavior and a continuation of the cycle. If we expect that things will change without addressing addiction and mental health issues we are fooling ourselves. The root of the issue is addictions and mental health. If you want to solve a problem you must identify and deal with the root cause.
I consider myself to be one of the luckiest guys alive. I have been given a chance and made the most of it. During my last incarceration I eventually ended up in Medicine Hat. It was there that I received weekly visits with an addiction worker. She saw my desire to get clean and she helped me get into a sober living group home while I awaited a funded bed in a residential treatment program 3 to 4 months down the road. I was fortunate to have this opportunity and lucky to have parents that helped me out with this decision and the logistics. Many people do not have the support that I have. I have been clean now for 18 months and have even completed a diploma in addictions and social work. I volunteer within the community and work casual at the Men’s shelter. I am doing what I can to give back and make amends for my addictive behavior. My hope is that you will see that this issue is much deeper than enforcement and incarceration. If we want to make our communities better, we must be open, honest and supportive of the most vulnerable and desperate people within our society, those struggling with mental health and addiction issues.
Thank-you for your time and hope that I have shed some light on this troubling and escalating issue.
Vermilion Voice: https://www.vermilionvoice.com/single-post/2017/10/30/Rural-Crime-Town-Hall
