My Thirteen Reasons Why
This past weekend I decided to watch the new Netflix hit series, 'Thirteen Reasons Why.' I struggled with the decision to watch this series given the subject material and my current mental state. I have been surrounded by suicide throughout my life. I have had a number of friends commit suicide, I have considered suicide myself and have been tormented by the impact that I played in a couple of my friend's suicides. This series was definitely going to touch a few nerves, regardless of the perspective from which I watched.
After watching the series, it is clear why there remains so much controversy regarding this show. I could imagine all too well how this show could trigger emotional trauma in both those considering suicide and those suffering from the loss of a friend to suicide. My feelings of guilt rose dangerously to the surface and unfortunately relived the full gamete of emotions involved with a couple of my friends suicides. There were a few points in the series where I actually considered not watching any further. If it was not for my 'binge watching' process addiction, I likely would have turned it off. I am glad that I didn't.
If there has been one thing that I have learnt in my recovery, it has been that unresolved guilt and the associated suppressed feelings eventually manifest themselves into my addiction. This show pointed out to me how many unresolved issues I continue to carry around with me every day. I have been under the illusion that I had dealt with these feelings already. Clearly I have not. These suppressed feelings and the unresolved guilt have now been identified for me to address. I have this show to thank for that.
I have struggled with addiction for the majority of my life. I have been able to realize a number of different bottoms in my addiction and have fallen into some very dark places. I truly do know what it feels like to live in hell. I have been precariously close to suicide a number of times in my life, from my teenage years to last year. I have been so close that I have had a loaded gun in my mouth and my finger on the trigger. I have taken enough drugs to kill a small horse and survived overdose. I have put myself into some very risky situations hoping that the net result would be for me to die such as being shot at and stabbed. My survival to this point is nothing short of a miracle and has pointed out the glaring fact that my life must have some greater purpose as I clearly should have been dead by now.
This series has forced me to reflect on what got me through at various points of my life. What was it that separated me from Hannah? What did I do differently? What can anyone do differently? For me, positive affirmations have pulled me through some of the toughest times. I am fortunate that I have loving family and friends that have been there for me and that I trust enough to reach out to when I have had to. I am forever indebted to a couple of friends. Today I put my list together and feel that I should share it. Perhaps someone suffering will relate to one or more of my reasons on my list and they will reconsider.
Today my reasons to live are as follows;
Because I am worth it.
Because I have faith that it does get better.
Because I have people that love me.
Because I have yet to fulfill my life purpose.
Because I am grateful that I have so much to live for.
Because I care so much for my loved ones.
Because my recovery may offer hope to someone out there still struggling.
Because I have witnessed and experienced the devastation caused by suicide.
Because I know that it is not my only option.
Because I have learnt to let go of my resentments.
Because I am never alone.
Because I am no longer afraid to ask for help when needed.
Because I believe in God.
I hope that anyone struggling will be able to find even one reason to hold on. One reason to live another day. One reason to actually ask for help and to be honest enough to give them a chance to actually make a difference. I have been there for some friends and will continue to be. I have let some friends down and that is what I have to live with. I want my friends to know that I am here. I have a listening ear and reserve judgement for myself. I want anyone struggling to know that they are not alone in their struggles and there are people like me out there that do actually care to make a difference. All you have to do is ask.
