Regret and Expectation
I often look back with regret at my life, in disgust of the decisions I made, the people I hurt and all the time and opportunities that I wasted. I often compare my current situation with that of my friends and wonder how things could go so wrong. I often look at myself and pick away at all the things that I don't like about me. I often disappoint myself with a continuation of old behaviors that I realize are counterproductive. I often feel empty and depressed because I do all of these things ... often.
There certainly were many things that could of gone differently. But they didn't and I cannot change that now. There are also many things are good in my life and that went right. I must remind myself of these ... often. I have two beautiful children (although they rarely talk to me). I have a loving and supportive family (even though I have put them through hell). I have my health (even after the torture I put it through). I have a new career path that I enjoy and am good at (addictions and social work). I have to struggle to write this paragraph but I know this list must be longer than the previous one. I have everything that I need to survive (food, clothing, apartment, phone, computer, TV, music). I am intelligent although this is sometimes a curse for me as I tend to over analyse everything. I did survive a lot of trials and tribulations in my life and am lucky to still be alive.
I also look ahead with expectations of potential outcomes and how I feel things should unfold. Quite often I am disappointed. It seems that I have not yet learnt to accept life as it unfolds. Old habits of control continue to creep into my mindset. Manipulative ideas bounce around in my mind, replaying scenario after scenario that will generate the outcome that I desire.
I can acknowledge that I have come a long way from where I was. Not that long ago I would be doing everything in my power to manipulate and control the people in my life to guarantee outcomes and desired results. Lies, gossip, anger and fear were my manipulative go-tos. Today things are considerably different. Although the ideas bounce around in my head, I have been able to rationalize and avoid acting on them. This has yielded some less that desired results but I guess that is life. Apparently everything is not in my control. I do not have that sort of power. Clearly I am not God.
