Willpower Has Nothing To Do With It
People always say that an addict has no willpower. The fact of the matter is that willpower really has nothing to do with it. The act of willpower insinuates that there is a will. A will to change. A will to get better. A will to live. The vast majority of addicts have lost this will all together. Especially addicts deep into their addiction.
This was the point I got to a couple of times in my addiction. I had lost all will to live. As a matter of fact I would of preferred to die. Although dying was my preferred outcome, it was not something that I had the courage to do myself. I was never strong enough to kill myself even though I thought about it. Looking back now I realize that I was in fact trying to do just that nearly every day. I was killing myself be the excessive use of various drugs, mixing without concern. I was putting my life in jeopardy every day with my lifestyle. In fact I got shot at, stabbed, kidnapped, held at gunpoint, beat up, batted, tire ironed, chased, threatened and tied up. It is nothing short of a miracle that I survived. In fact I was so surprised that I survived so much that I considered myself a failure at times that I could not even end it.
The idea that I should of been able to control my addiction with willpower is completely absurd to me. I guess, unless you understand the feelings associated with the addiction, it is impossible for someone to comprehend how an act of will has completely nothing to do with the ongoing addiction. In fact, until such time that faith and hope are restored, will ceases to exist in an addict all together. It is not until there exists a faint glimmer of hope in a brighter future or a restored faith in God or a higher power that an addict will even entertain the idea of getting clean or recovery. Until this time comes, pain management and feeling suppression are the only issues of concern.
The act of using becomes instinctual. It is something that you do to survive, like breathing. Even though you would prefer to be dead because your soul is gone and you will to live no longer exists, you continue to use to ease the pain of living. It is in fact just like breathing. If you wanted to die, you simply couldn't stop breathing. Your brain's instinct mode kicks in and once you pass out your will no longer has any say and you body does what it has to to get you breathing again. The brain of an addict does the exact same thing. It does what it has to in order to ensure that there is adequate supply of the drug to continue uninterrupted use. This is why you end up with addicts doing things that they would not normally do. They act out in ways that are completely against their pre-addict morals or character. It is simply because the addict is no longer in control. The addict's brain is in instinctive mode and doing what it has to to survive. Until the addict snaps out of this with a little hope, encouragement and faith, there is no end to surprises that an addict may encounter. Redefining rock bottom one day at a time.
