Recovery Is Authentic Exposure

I laid in bed this morning reflecting on this past year and what a year it has been. Although I was incarcerated for almost half of this year I still managed to stay clean for nearly 8 months of it. I did this despite the emotional roller coaster I was on dealing with both loss and my recovery. It truly is a miracle that I have made it this far. I definitely would not have been able to without the love and support of my amazing family and in particular my Mom and Dad, Fran and Garry. Without them none of this would of been possible. It is this love and support that is needed to pull someone from the depths of despair and give them hope. I hope that my example offers some inspiration to anyone out there suffering from any sort of addiction or mental health issues.

This past year I lost a number of friends and acquaintances. Four of which had a special place in my life. Chris Shrek will always have a special place in my heart. Chris took me into his clean and sober house when I had to leave Edmonton after nearly getting shot at the courthouse in Leduc. He saw the good in me and pushed me to change my life like no one had ever before. Remembering Junior Laidly's murder nearly destroyed me as I couldn't help but feel somewhat responsible for his death even though these thoughts were somewhat irrational. Junior helped me move on numerous occasions and was one of the last people in the world I trusted in the underworld of drugs and gangs. He gave me nearly half of the furniture that I still have today. Thanks Junior. Nikki Healy's murder also hit me very hard. Nikki and I spent a lot of time discussing changing our lives and leaving all the chaos behind us. Nikki opened up her home to me when I broke up with Tia and needed a place to stay. As well, Nikki tended to my every need for days after I was stabbed and sledge hammered and yet refused to go to the hospital. She really wanted the best for me and always said I was capable of so much more and that I should stop wasting my life. Her soft soul will always have a place in my heart. Recently my good friend and roommate Larry Nielsen passed away in a car accident. Larry is almost single-handedly responsible for my staying in residential treatment. When times got really tough, Larry played off my personality and said that he would stay if I would and we both completely the program and him and his family even gave me a ride home to Lethbridge. He truly was loved by many and was likely the funniest guy I will ever meet. He was the first guy to make me laugh so hard I cried for years.

Today I can look back at these losses and not break down into tears. I have learnt to deal with loss and grieve in a proper way. I have started to understand my emotions and not be scared of or try to suppress them. I am excited for my future and look forward to the unknown blessings ahead. I have learnt to let go and let my life unfold as it is meant to rather than forcing and controlling everything and everyone around me. I have a better understanding of who I am now as a person, both strengths and shortcomings. I have never looked so deep into myself in my life. For the first time in my life I am actually starting to like what I am finding. I am actually a pretty cool guy.

Thank-you everyone for your continued love and support. Your kind words and motivation are integral for my recovery. I may have a good idea of the direction I should be going but my thoughts and rational have led me astray in the past. Any and all feedback is appreciated. I love you all.