If He Wasn't So Mean To Me, I Might Even Like Myself
He can be my best friend and biggest supporter but there is also a dark side that I have seen with a lot of regularity. It is this dark side that seems to appear when I could use positive support the most. When I am down and depressed or perhaps struggling with life issues and drama the darkness and negativity seems to rear it's ugly head. Rather than trying to build me up with support and positivity He chooses to belittle and degrade me. The piercing comments can cut to the core and reaffirm what I already believe to be true. I really am an ugly, evil and worthless person.
When things are going good, there seems to be an abundance of evidence to contradict my feelings of worthlessness and low self esteem. Regardless of where I turn, there seems to be evidence that I am much more of a person than I feel. I can be an intelligent person with a lot to contribute to society. He tells me all the time that I can do anything that I set my mind to. He points out a lot that I have a charismatic personality and people seem to be attracted to me when I am positive and happy. I know that I am committed and faithful to my relationships and hold my relationships (Family, Friends or Intimate) in the highest regard. He makes sure that I remember that relationships mean the world to me. I am kind, gentle and empathetic towards everyone that I meet. He reminds me never to judge, as I have been on the opposite end of judgement and it is not pleasant. He does like to reassure me that I am on the right path now and doing what I am meant to do. He has replayed a number of litmus tests for me providing ample evidence that I am finally doing what I am meant to do. He points out how much support I have and reminds me of all of the reassuring comments from every corner of my social circle. He really does do a great job of supporting my new career choice of counselling and social work.
If only things could always go good. He would be my best friend and biggest supporter without a doubt. I would like this very much as He can be a remarkable guy. He has a lot of experience and knowledge and is very convincing in his arguments. The problem is he can sometimes be quite manipulative. He can be very controlling and close-minded. When things don't go His way He tends to get frustrated and impatient. He gets very edgy and irritated. He tends to lash out and can become very mean. This is when the comments can cut to the core. He beats me down to submission just as he has for decades. I still love Him though. If only I didn't respect His opinion so much and believe everything that He says.
He is quick to point out how I have let so many people (loved ones) down over the years. He reminds me of how much I have lied and manipulated only to protect my selfish addiction. He yells and screams at me how useless I am and that I do not deserve to be happy. I have done some awful things in my life and as such I deserve to suffer. He is right about some of the things I have done and as such his argument is very convincing. He points out that I have repeated the same mistakes multiple times so I must be an idiot. A smart and reasonable person would never do so many stupid things over and over again. He loves to remind me that I have disappointed and let down my family over and over again and that I am not actually worthy of their support still. It is no wonder my kids do not want to talk to me. He loves to rub in the fact that I am alone now and lonely and points out that it is because I do not deserve to have a special person in my life. I am not capable of love. He chuckles and reminds me that I have done well before at times in my life. Good things for me do not seem to last very long. I might as well just give up now rather than do all this work for nothing. The longer I wait to just give in the harder the fall is going to be. He suggests that I just do it now before it is too late and I no longer have the contacts and supports in my other life to fall back on. Perhaps He is right. He has so much evidence to back up his case. So much evidence in all of his arguments or points of view.
I just wish He didn't have to remind me of all of these things all the time. He may be right but I am a different person now. Why can He not get that. He is always so quick to disregard any evidence that opposes His position when He is on one of His rants. When things are all good and moving along nicely He doesn't get in my face as much and even points out the positive and even forces me to enjoy the positive feelings that can get sometimes. He is very controlling though no matter what mood He is in. He is always commenting regardless of the situation. He never lets me forget that He is there that is for sure. Even when I try to meditate or do mindful activities He is there trying to mess it up and distract me. He does a very good job of that. I wish He could just have some respect for me and let me do my own thing sometimes, without His judgement.
He is who He is and that will never change. The change must come from within myself. I might not be able to shut Him up but I can work on changing His opinion of me. Change takes time and patience. I just have to remember that He is not always right and doing what is in the best interest of me. By evaluating everything that He says and focusing on staying positive the dark side of Him should eventually fade away and only show up occasionally. I know I can deal with that.
He is Me. He is that voice in my head. I am going to focus my attention on becoming best friends with Him. Best friends with myself. I am only person that really matters at this point. If I can become my biggest advocate everyone and everything else will fall into place. I know this. I just have to convince Him.