Unraveling of the Unconscious

There is simply so much that I still do not understand. With as much awareness that I have now, all I understand is that my mind will continue to think on it's own for reasons that are not known to me yet. Recovery truly is the unraveling of this unconscious mind. It is working threw these thought processes one by one and rewiring the brain to think differently. I have so many irrational thoughts that this seems like a never ending task sometimes. I guess patience and acceptance is the key.

Today I find myself very distracted. I am not entirely sure why however I now have the awareness to know that I am off. I guess this is half the battle. I now have to work through my thoughts and determine what really is bothering me. I have a number of tools available to me now to do this. Three of the tools that I use the most these days is writing, meditation and discussing.

The tool I enjoy the most is writing. Through my journal and this blog I am putting my thoughts down on paper and patently working through their validity and rationality. Through this blog I am really putting my thoughts out there and working on my vulnerability. By being vulnerable and discussing openly I am working on my authenticity. I am leaving myself open to offers of suggestion and criticism. I see these both as positive as I need to be called out on my BS sometimes and made aware of my irrational thoughts. I do not want to fall back into my pattern of addictive thinking. This is where my unconscious mind wants to take me. It is the road well traveled. It is the path of least resistance. Through writing down my thoughts I am able to work through the irrationality of some of these thoughts and focus my attention on changing them in a conscious way.

Meditation and mindfulness are slowly becoming a bigger part of my recovery. I really do struggle with these as I still find it very difficult to slow down or even focus my mind. I still find it difficult to even focus my mind on a 5 minute prayer without my mind wandering. I find it hard to focus on a 3 minute song for its entirety. My mind simply wants to wander and make plans for the future or dwell on the events of the past. I need to be present more. I know that. I am going to make a focused effort from here on in to work 10 minutes of mindfulness into my daily routine. Being able to tame my mind is going to have a major impact on my ability to unravel my unconscious.

Vocalizing and discussing open and honestly about my thoughts and feelings is another big step in my awareness and understanding of what is going on in my mind. The more I put out there the more authentic I become. I do not have to hide and present myself as everything is okay all the time. I have to make those around me aware that I may be struggling. Even at 9 months clean I do not have to understand everything and present myself as such. I can reach out and ask for help. I have a lifetime of addiction behind me. I cannot expect to unravel this in 9 months or less. I may need another lifetime of awareness to fully comprehend what is going on in my mind. Talking openly and honestly about this will only help the process. It ensures that I do not return to a point of shame. Shame requires that I be silent. I cannot afford to be silent. I MUST BE VULNERABLE.