Re-framing Recovery
Yesterday was a struggle for me. It would appear that life continues to happen regardless of my commitment to recovery and the positivity that I continue to build into my life. There are a lot of things that are out of my control that still continue to bother me even know I am aware that I am unable to change these people, places or events regardless of how hard I try.
It was suggested of me that I watch a movie called Peaceful Warrior and so this is exactly what I did last night. The cover of the movie states "A Movie That Changes Lives." A pretty tall order in this day and age. Well as I still struggle with the ramifications of the messages contained in this movie I am coming to the realization that this movie may actually live up to it's claim. This, based on a true story, movie has really made me think about my life and recovery. Yes I cried watching this movie last night. Not because the movie was sad but because I could identify with the internal struggle and expectations carried by the main character. There were a lot of parallels that I could draw from my life and this characters life. Parallels such as the high cost of performance expectation and reliance on a specific outcome for meaning and happiness. This movie has really made me rethink and re-frame my recovery.
Yes recovery is about letting go of the past. Letting go of the shame. Letting go of the guild. Letting go of the toxic people in one's life. Letting go of maladaptive thoughts. Letting go of the irrational beliefs. Recovery is about all of this for sure but it is apparently about so much more. Recovery is also about letting go of the future. Letting go of yourself and the prisoner you have become in your own mind. Letting go of the outcomes and expectations that one has determined to validate success in one's recovery. It is also about letting go of the fear of failure. Releasing one self from the pressure of success as determined by one's mind.
My entire recovery process is based on achieving my goals of trauma resolution and peace of mind. Once I achieve these goals, which I hope to be in the next 6 to 10 months, I will have the opportunity to once again find happiness and begin to enjoy life. After watching this movie and writing this down now, this statement seems completely ludicrous. I have in effect based my recovery on a final destination. Success or failure of my recovery is put in the hands of a counselor that is wading through my mind or treating my traumas with EMDR. I have completely set myself up for failure and disappointment. Recovery is not about this at all. Recovery is a journey, not a destination. As the movie points out, the journey is the source of happiness not the outcome or destination. This piece of the puzzle has been what I have been missing all along.
So this morning when I woke up, I had a big cry. I am not exactly sure why I was crying but I have broken it down into a few reasons. First I can attribute some of this emotion to the relief associated with lifting the burden of success from my shoulders. My entire life purpose and happiness does not have to be based on the success of my recovery and the resolution of my many issues. Secondly I can attribute part of this emotion to my confusion of where do I go from here. I have had this path and destination in my mind now for most of my recovery. My world has just been turned upside down by this revelation. I do not deal very well with unknowns. The idea of letting go of my outcome or destination and having faith that things will work out is nearly foreign to me. This scares the crap out of me. Third, the mere suggestion that I could be possibly happy before I achieve this ridiculous goal of recovery success, is another foreign concept to me. How am I supposed to be content with the fact that I may fail or that I might not live up to my expectations. This is the entire premise of my determination and focus. Am I supposed to just let go of my motivation for success? Perhaps I am just supposed to shift my motivation?
Regardless of the reason for my emotion, I cannot turn back now. My life and path has forever been shifted. I have a new paradigm to work within. One that I am able to enjoy along the way. One that is not focused on a final destination. Recovery is a journey and not a destination. Happiness stems from the day to day realizations and miracles along the way. I have to start living in the present and let go of my end goal. Where I end up doesn't matter as long as I am happy and healthy along the way. As long as I am happy and enjoying today my future happiness will take care of itself.
