Taming The Beast Within My Head
Well today is the day, I once perceived to be the most impossible of days. It is a day that most of my friends and family probably thought would never happen either. Today is my first ever clean and sober birthday.
A year ago today I was being loaded into a transfer and shipped off to Medicine Hat from Calgary. My future was very much still hanging in the wind as I still had a number of very serious charges to deal with with. I was once again dealing with withdrawals after my 4 day party which most likely contributed to the fact that I still just wanted to get clean but really had no idea how I was going to do that. Medicine Hat would prove to be the place I would find these answers. Unlike Edmonton and Calgary, I would have access to an addiction counselor every week and an endless supply of reading material and self-help worksheets. It was the push that I needed to get me pointed in the right direction and to offer me a little glimmer of sunshine. In addition to the material, my counselor Maya, helped me to develop an exit plan which would eventually prove to be the TSN turning point of my recovery.
Upon my release mid-March I would have 45 days clean and sober and most importantly I would have a plan laid out in front of me as to how the first 3 months of my recovery was going to look like. I had some charges still to deal with in Edmonton but everything else was resolved or stayed. I would briefly return to my parents before heading to my sober living house in Lethbridge. I felt it necessary to separate myself as much as possible from my influences and get some additional clean time and programming under my belt. The support I got from Southern Alcare Manor was incredible. A couple of months later I would get into residential treatment in Claresholme and thus began the real work and my road to recovery.
Today things are considerably better. I do struggle regularly and have a lot of work remaining. I have just began some of my therapy such as EMDR and am also considering SRT therapy in the next year or so. I continue to attend NA meetings and will be celebrating my birthday this Friday at my home group. I have recently began facilitating SMART Recovery meetings and put on a meeting every Saturday night. I try to give back as much as I have time as I realize how much I have taken over the years. I volunteer 3 nights a week at the Lloydminster Men's Shelter and am helping to develop a life skills course for the residents. I focus a lot of my spare time on self-care and attend the gym on a regular basis, meditate and pray daily, eat healthy choices and do a lot of reflecting and journaling. In addition to all of that I am a full time student in my 'Addictions and Social Worker' program at Reeves. This program has pointed out that this field is truly my calling and the knowledge and experience that I have to offer is invaluable in this field. I am really enjoying the program and the class discussions that we have.
Moving forward I will take life one day at a time. I built my year on days and so goes the next one and the next one and the one after that. I will seek help when I need it and always remember that my recovery comes first over everything. I am confident that things will continue to improve and get easier. My mind is a crazy and chaotic mess still, but I am becoming much more aware of the patterns and processes. Perhaps one day I will actually be able to tame the beast within my head.
As for today I will remain grateful that I am alive. Grateful that I have amazing support and a loving family and friends. I am grateful for the various programs of recovery, each offering me something more in the way of guidance and support. I am grateful for all of the financial and material blessings that have come my way and the great place in Lloydminster that I call home today. I am grateful that I can return to my childhood home when I feel down and just want to escape to a place of refuge and be taken care of by my parents that are amazingly still there for me. I am grateful for the opportunities to pass on my knowledge and experience to those still suffering and hopefully make a positive impact on their lives as I have had so many people do for me. I am most grateful that today I do not have to try to control my life and everyone in it, instead I am able to relinquish that power to God and the universe with the understanding that everything will work out as it is meant to just as it has for the first 45 years of my life. I know now that things get derailed only when I meddle with the direction of my train. I am exactly where I was meant to be today, doing exactly what I was meant to do. Thank-you everyone for your support.
