Emotional Fear

Dissociation: The fear of emotional vulnerability

As an addict, one becomes very good at emotional detachment. Our entire life function becomes centered around the avoidance of our own emotions. Regardless of how our addiction manifested itself, it is centered in pain and the convoluted perception that all emotions are effectively the same, which is bad.

We drink or drug to ease the guilt, shame, pain, depression, frustration and anger. We drink or drug to limit the joy and happiness that we feel we do not deserve or understand. We drink or drug to escape any and all feeling as living in the emotion, good or bad, brings us discomfort and confusion. If we allow ourselves to feel, we become vulnerable. Others may see us for who we think we are or who we are trying to hide. We build walls of protection and shield ourselves from all deep feelings, including love. We display our masks of emotion on our own terms and as best we can mimic or recall. True feelings elude us and any display of emotion soon becomes a careful display or act of a dissociative state which allows us to maintain our sanity. A sanity that exists in our own mind as the entire process is anything but rational or sane.

Over time, dissociation becomes so easy that one becomes distant from themselves. One loses touch with the true self and evolves into an empty shell of a person. This is when the addict finds themselves at their most darkest point. A point where hopelessness and despair take over consciousness and the only means of survival is to drink or drug to escape the realization of this disconnection. The only way to pull out of this cycle of despair is to connect with the soul of a loved one and find the strength to continue the fight and recover.