Fear of Darkness

The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it.

It's our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.

- Brene Brown

The self-fulfilling prophecy of despair. It is that which we fear or try to avoid most, that eventually catches up to us. As an addict I sought emotional detachment and escape from my feelings, both good and bad. I did anything I could to avoid feeling the pain, guilt and shame. I used to escape my reality, casting me further and further into the darkness. My fear of emotions resulted in a dissociation from all emotion, even joy, love and happiness. Even one year clean and sober, I still struggle to find the joy that has eluded me for so long. One of my biggest fears today is my emotion, in particular my dark side. I know what it feels like to fall into the darkness. I know what I am capable of when I am there. I am struggling to keep my head in the light fearing a return the darkness. I do not think that I have the energy to pull myself out of the darkness yet again. I realize that this fear is still holding me back yet I struggle to let go of my past and the fear of returning to that place. I fear being vulnerable and not being in control of my emotions and being exposed to the world. It is my fear that clouds my judgement and prevents me from enjoying everything that recovery has to offer. I will keep fighting though with the hopes that one day I will return to the light and feel true joy once again.