Emotionally Numb
The recent loss of yet another close friend has, once again, exposed the fact that I continue to "numb out" emotions. Feeling emotions and allowing them to run their course is something that I have struggled with my entire recovery. After years (decades) of numbness and apathy, re-connection to emotion is proving to be the most difficult aspect of my recovery. Unfortunately it is also a very important aspect to recovery.
As a youth I can recall being emotional and empathetic and quite conscious of other people's emotions. There was a time that I would do anything I could to make sure everyone was comfortable and enjoying themselves any time I was around. I made it a point to ensure that everyone was involved and having fun. My ex-wife even testified at one of our custody hearings that I was addicted to fun. In order for me to have fun, everyone around me had to be as well. I had an innate ability to see into peoples souls and read whether or not they were enjoying themselves or if something was wrong. I was a great friend and amazing listener. My friends opened up to me because I actually cared. At some point in my 25 years of drinking and drugging things changed. I suffered numerous disappointments, struggles and traumas during this period and eventually created a shell. This shell got thicker and thicker each year, trauma after trauma. The unfortunate result was that this shell protected me from feeling anything. I am now numb and apathetic and do anything I can to protect myself from feeling. I can't even feel sad for the death of a close friend. I can't feel joy and I can't feel content. Quite simply I no longer feel.
I have done a lot of reflection in the past 24 hours and have come to a few conclusions as to why I am struggling so much in the area of emotional re-connection.
1. Fear of emotional overwhelmment - I have been told that my emotional maturity is that of a teenager. I started drinking heavily in my mid-teens and it was at that point that my emotional intellect became stunted. From my mid-teens to my mid-forty's I drank and drugged. I have experienced limited emotional releases, typically when faced with extreme emotional circumstances. For the most part however, I withdrew my emotions completely and unless I was drinking or drugging, I focused a lot of my attention on the control of my emotions. Trauma after trauma, loss after loss, disappointment after disappointment, I became accustomed to dissociation to protect myself from the overwhelming nature of emotions. Now that I am clean and sober, I have to begin to finally learn how to live with these feelings, good and bad. Addiction results in the emotional hijack of the individual and numbs them to all emotion so not only do you have to learn how to feel pain but you also have to learn how to feel joy. This is why early recovery can be so overwhelming for so many. It certainly is for me.
For me, it is this emotional overload that I fear will be unpredictable. Having a strong emotional connection to people (empathy) makes me fear emotions even more as they will simply lead to disappointment. I fear that "feeling" so many contradictory and confusing emotions will drive me back to drinking and drugging. Even the most basic of emotions cause me a lot of anxiety and I quickly retreat to my old fail safe of dissociation. I fear that if I allow myself to feel, the culmination of years of stuffed feelings combined with my empathetic qualities, I will quickly become overwhelmed and out of control.
I have had recent periods of time for which I was able to allow myself to feel. The unfortunate aspect of this was that I quickly began to lose touch with my ability to dissociate. This scared me, adding more emotion to the mix, resulting in an emotional overload and an eventual cascade of crazy thoughts. Without the ability to dissociate I could not imagine what I would do if I was forced to feel all these confusing emotions at the same time. My fear is the return to self-medication and escape.
2. Fear of emotional vulnerability - As much as I want to say that I do not care what others think, caring and awareness have been ingrained in me for many years. Personal insecurity and self-judgement has resulted in a hypersensitivity to other peoples opinions. I do care what other people think about me. I have a desire to be liked and to get along with people. I am very personable and enjoy people's company. Combine that with the protective aspect of apathy. While in active addiction it became very important for me not to show any weakness at all. It was a matter of survival. Many feelings such as crying or pain were seen as weakness and an area for exploitation by others. Repression of these feelings became natural and almost primal instinct. Dissociation was a survival tool that was used daily or hourly and resulted in the loss of connection to all emotion.
Even though I have been clean and sober for over a year, emotional vulnerability still plays heavily on my conscious. I struggle to let my feelings be known for fear of judgement, even by people that care very deeply for me and their judgement would be that of love and compassion for me not as a negative. I put up a brave face, a strong exterior, for fear that I will once again be taken advantage of or thought less of if I expose the pain and suffering that I continue to endure. Regardless of the situation, withholding these emotions for fear of other's response is a major roadblock to my recovery.
3. Emotional uncertainty - Being in control of my life, the direction and the outcome, continues to be a major issue for me even after a year of clean time. I have come a long way in regards to my control issues and "letting go." I do realize though that I still have a long way to go, in particular, my emotional uncertainty. As already discussed, i can become overwhelmed by too many emotions, but more than that, I am uneasy about my potential behavior resulting from any single emotion. I am so out of touch with my emotions that any single emotion can be very confusing to me. A couple of these emotions in particular scare me. Anger is one that can quickly turn to rage and I am very aware of what I am capable of when I am in that state. Love for me has only resulted in disaster, regardless of the situation. My mistrust in myself has been developed over time, reinforced by one bad relationship after another. I cannot trust myself to love anymore. Even caring for people has resulted in loss. Many of my friends have died over the years and caused me a lot of pain. I have been betrayed by many as well resulting in the questioning once again of my judgement. Basically, emotions lead me to make "bad" decisions and forgo any and all rationality. I cannot be "certain" of where my emotions will take me and therefore I cannot trust myself to feel them.
4. Emotional isolation - This aspect is perhaps the greatest roadblock of my recovery as it filters through to many areas of my life. Emotional isolation refers to the lack of trust in others and the inability to "test" feelings in a safe and non-judgmental environment. Trust issues have prevented me from seeking a sponsor, resolving my deepest and darkest issues and creating new and healthy connections. It is difficult to comprehend that exposure of my deepest and darkest secrets will not result in judgement and an altered relationship. Regardless of sponsor or counselor, some things should just remain hidden and not discussed as no one needs to be burdened with my issues. In addition, forming new bonds and relationships will only result in inquiries and a need to open up and let people in. How could someone actually like me if they knew what I have done? Why would I put myself in a situation where I am only going to be disappointed once again? As well, chances are I will only be let down, betrayed or suffer a loss when someone I care about is taken from us. I have enough friends already and do not look forward to having to deal with all of them being taken from me. Why would I want to add more potential heartache to my life? It is just easier to live my simple life, with the people that I have already let in. New people will only be scared off eventually or taken way too soon. What is the point?
The combination of these points has resulted in my continued emotional hijack. Until I can find a way to "feel" again, my addiction continues to have a hold on me. The greatest roadblock to my recovery and my serenity is the stranglehold that my addictive mind has on my emotions.
