Clouded With Chaos
It is difficult to imagine peace or serenity, while my mind continues to be clouded with chaos.
The chaos in my life while I was engaged in active addiction served as a great distraction for the chaos that exists in my mind. Now that I am clean and sober, this self-thought chaos is all too real and sometimes overwhelming. My mind has this urge to wander in every direction, partially engaging in 5 different conversations with itself at any given time. The tranquility of my clean and sober life is overshadowed by the chaos that continues to exist in my mind.
I am told that recovery is a journey and I am to stop focusing on an outcome in the future and that I should enjoy every day. However, this is very difficult for me as I cannot comprehend peace or contentment until such time that my mind is not engaged in this chaotic thinking. It is difficult to not focus on a recovery outcome that includes a controlled and focused mind. My expectation of recovery was much different than my experience thus far. I had these recovery goals set up in my mind that yielded very tangible results. Goals such as reduced urges, reduced criminal thinking, reduced desire to go back to that life. For the most part these have in fact come through. The real problems lie in the much deeper recovery transitions. I was expecting a clearer and quieter mind. I was expecting an emotional intelligence and the ability to understand and control my emotions. I was expecting that I would be happy and free-spirited just like I was 20 years ago before the many traumas of my addiction. I was expecting a quick and simple resolution to my trauma and that awareness of my issues and the irrational thoughts would be enough to recover. This is clearly not the case.
I do not understand why I continue to struggle with my thoughts, even though I am hyper-aware of them and question each and every one for validity sake. I do not understand why mindfulness and meditation is so difficult. Why can I do 15 minutes of mindfulness one day but only 1-2 minutes the next? Why do I continue to dissociate, knowing full well that I must learn to experience my emotions and that the only way for me to heal and recover is to stop doing this? If I cannot control myself at this point, will I ever be able to?
I have been clean and sober for a year now and in some ways I feel that I have not progressed at all. It becomes very disheartening knowing how much work I have done and yet I remain in this state of mental chaos. Will I ever recover or is this just something I am going to have to learn how to manage for the rest of my life? Regardless of the answer, I will continue to work on myself with the hope that one day, joy and happiness will become the distraction from my mental chaos. I just wish this would happen faster.
