Are You Ready For Recovery

One thing that I struggled with most of my adult life was whether or not I wanted recovery? Was I ready to get clean and sober? Was recovery even possible for me? I did try getting clean and sober a couple times before but without success. My first trip to residential treatment ended quickly and like a bad science experiment. Was it that I was just not ready? Or was there something else that prevented me from getting the help that I so clearly needed?

The first time I sought treatment I was a complete mess. I was addicted to anything and everything (including opiates). I was homeless and hopeless. At that point in my life I really could not care less if I lived or died. The latter was actually my reality. If it was not for a great friend pushing me back towards my family, I would likely be dead today. Seeing the first glimmer of hope in a long time, I actually thought that perhaps recovery was possible and something that I wanted. So what happened?

I have thought long and hard about why things didn't work out the first time as I am convinced that I actually did want to get clean and sober and I truly did want a different life. Why then, did I end up back using and back in the same life that I had recently left? It took me a few months for things to get really bad again. I used the same night I left treatment but then I stayed clean for a couple months. Eventually though I ended up right back where I left off. As a matter of fact, I managed to find even deeper bottoms than I ever imagined before. One would think that a homeless heroin addict is pretty much the bottom other than death. Nope. I managed to find myself a deeper hole as a meth addict in jail in solitary confinement. It really doesn't get much worse than that.

So what happened? Why was I not able to stay clean and sober the first time I went to treatment? I truly believe the answer lies in the timing. I really do think that I went to treatment too soon after detox (it was only about 30 days later). I do not think that I was able to be honest with myself. My judgment was still clouded by the past 25 years of drinking and drugging. My body and mind had not even had a chance to heal yet. I had no clue what emotions were and as such I was still a very angry person. One that didn't even know why. Heroin and crack (especially when combined) really do play havoc on a person's mind. My mind had not even had a chance to think about recovering yet never mind giving me the opportunity to think rationally or even open minded enough to realize that my thinking was actually irrational. Had I taken more time to heal in the safety of my parents home and been able to manage my anxiety and stress by some other means, I think I would of had a much better chance to get it.

I do look back now and see how many seeds were planted through that experience and realize that it made my second attempt at recovery even that much more meaningful. I hate to say that relapse is part of recovery as it seems like such a cop out. However, it does make sense to me now that having an appreciation for what was going to be involved and what the consequence of not making it happen was, made all the difference. In addition, this time I waited nearly four months before entering residential treatment. Doing this made all the difference. I could see it in my progress compared to most others in my treatment group. As it turns out, I am one of only a couple from my group that managed to make it to a year of sobriety. As a matter of fact, two of the sixteen people in my group have actually passed away now. I feel so fortunate that I took the time to heal so that I could really appreciate what was being presented to me in treatment. I think it made all the difference.

If you read the questions on the info graphic and feel that it is time for treatment, then be sure to do it right. Do not rush into it. Get yourself abstinent safely through detox then find a safe and healthy and clean environment to hang your head for a couple months. If you have to go into sober living like I did to find that then do that. It is your life and your future that you are dealing with so do anything and everything that you have to. Given the state of illicit drugs today, it will likely make the difference between life and death.