Day 3 - Mental Health Week
Today is Day 3 of mental health week and my conversation continues with a discussion on communicating with someone suffering from mental health issues. I cannot emphasize enough how important effective communication is for someone struggling with mental health issues. It is unfortunate but most people have no clue how to communicate with their struggling loved ones. Unwittingly, communication comes off as judgmental, rationalization, defensive, aggressive and apathetic. Over time, a struggling individual learns to withdraw about their issues and internalize them. They know from experience that trying to talk about what bothers them is quickly turned into a court case of judgement and defensiveness. They learn that their struggles do not really matter to anyone else. They are forced into a corner and must learn to cope any way that they can find. For many, for me, that coping mechanism was drugs and alcohol.
I still struggle today opening up with many people one-on-one to talk about my inner most thoughts and emotions. I still do not feel comfortable opening up and being vulnerable in an environment that others are able to respond, question me, or pass judgment. As such, I present my struggles in general terms through social media and I converse with myself in my own head, trying feverishly to figure everything out. The conversations I have with myself would blow the minds of many. After having my trust betrayed many times in my life, I struggle to have the faith that I will actually be heard and that the information that I open up about will not be turned and used against me. I struggle to open up because many loved ones will respond defensively, talking out of fear that I am trying to assess blame or judgment on them. I struggle to open up and explain how I feel to people that cannot even imagine to understand what I have gone through or still struggle with. Opening up requires me to explain myself and many times I do not even understand what I am feeling or why I think the way that I do. Having a heart-to-heart requires a vulnerability and trust that, if betrayed, would likely send me into a tailspin of active addiction again. Therefore this is a risk that I am not likely to take yet with most people.
Even my counselors have found much frustration in attempting to dig beyond the surface. Most people cannot even comprehend what I consider a minor surface issues. Issues such as coping with the suicide, murder and overdose of close friends, experiencing kidnapping, confinement and torture. Issues of emotional grief and loss, including the loss of my primary coping mechanism, alcohol and drugs. Do not kid yourself, this is a huge loss to someone that has relied on it for 3 decades like a close friend or family member. As a matter of fact, I had a better relationship with drugs and alcohol than I did with my family and friends in my active addiction. Opening up, even in the safe and non-judgmental confines of a counseling session is counter intuitive when you have instinctively stuffed everything down for years. It has been a long and painful process of peeling away this protective barrier that I have used to protect what I thought was left of myself. The unfortunate aspect of building up this protection is that you tend to hide and lose the identity you were trying so hard to protect. Slowly I am remembering who I am, who I was meant to be.
So next time when you are talking to your loved one, understand that it is not unusual for them to be resistant to opening up. They are not hiding anything, they are simply protecting themselves. The best way to ease their tension and to foster a safe and open environment is to show love and support. Listen instead of talking and especially instead of asking questions. Most important of all is to listen attentively. Simply hearing words will not get you very far. People suffering with mental health and addiction issues are keenly aware of the demeanor of those that they are talking to. They have to be in order to protect themselves. If you are not engaged in the conversation but rather preoccupied with something else (multitasking), your loved one will not open up at all about anything. If you truly want to find out what is going on, you are going to have to be patient, keep your mouth closed and most of all do not judge, react or become defensive.
Your loved one loves you most likely just as much as you love them. They will protect both you and themselves at all costs. If you present with defensiveness they will understand that you are not ready to hear what they have to say. If you react with judgement, they will withdraw to protect themselves and avoid conflict. If you present with ignorance, they will assume apathy and that you do not care enough to even educate or seek answers to help. It is a fine line and it takes time to build trust. Just love, listen and support and the answers will come,,,eventually.
