Forgiveness as Acceptance
It has been some time since I did a blog post but tonight, I was inspired by such a powerful SMART Recovery meeting at Thorpe Recovery Center that I just felt compelled to share our ideas from our discussion. The topic was forgiveness and as this was a SMART meeting, we looked at it from several different cognitive viewpoints, some of which can be adapted from the 12-step approach.
After some discussion, the question arose, is forgiveness the same as letting go or acceptance? This may seem trivial but I feel that it is an important aspect of the discussion from a cognitive approach. Merriam-Webster defines forgiveness as; to cease to feel resentment against (an offender): pardon. Your dictionary defines forgiveness as letting go of past grudges or lingering anger against a person or persons. Cambridge defines it as; to stop blaming or being angry with someone for something that person has done or not punish them for something. Regardless of the definition, they all seem to have some similarities. They all deal with a resentment or anger towards someone and they all involve a stoppage or ceasing of the negative feelings towards them. This is interesting since each of these definitions seem to pertain to both the resenting act or behavior and the other person. For me, the process of forgiveness or letting go, had little to do with the act and virtually nothing to do with the other person. As a matter of fact, when I focused my thoughts on the act or the other person, I was not able to challenge my beliefs as I saw them both to be contrary to my moral code.
If we look at the 12-step approach to forgiveness or dealing with resentments, there is an approach that I have used countless times in my recovery. This approach is to pray for the person which you resent for a period of 14 days in a row. Praying for them to receive all the blessings that you wish for yourself. Although I have made it through this a few times, I found it quite difficult at first and nearly impossible in some cases. It certainly is not as easy as it may seem. In fact, I even found myself not praying some nights as the discomfort of doing this subconsciously prevented me from doing such an integral part of my nightly routine. If we look at this from a cognitive approach, this makes sense. We tend to avoid things that make us uncomfortable, regardless of how important they are to our day to day lives. Our brains are simply wired to avoid such things. Things like vulnerability and uncertainty. I did however make it through this and it works. This also makes sense cognitively as I managed to rewire my brain with new beliefs. The act of praying challenges the belief that I held that they were not worthy of my forgiveness, by simply stating that they are.
The second angle we looked at this topic was through compassion. "Hurt people, hurt people." It is not human nature to go around hurting others. We are wired for connection and the act of harming someone breaks that connection. There must be then, some reason for one person to harm another. If we take the compassionate approach, it gives meaning, as insignificant and perhaps even inaccurate as it, to the act of being harmed. With this meaning, we can perhaps put ourselves in other's shoes and feel some sort of empathy for the other person or maybe even see ourselves possibly even doing the same thing given the same upbringing or experiences. This is impossible in most cases though for major traumas and even though I consider myself to be a very compassionate person, I struggle with this one for some of the traumas I have endured. For the less troublesome experiences I can in fact do this today and come to terms with acceptance of the event.
Looking at this from a truly acceptance point of view has been much easier for me in most cases. "Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today." Acceptance is also a pivotal aspect of SMART recovery as there is both unconditional self-acceptance and unconditional other acceptance at play when it comes to forgiveness. When I look at this through an unconditional life-acceptance lens though, I am focused on the acceptance that this is something I have experienced and cannot change. I cannot be focused on acceptance of the behavior or event, nor can I be focus on acceptance of the other person. Neither of these are required for me to come to terms with what happened to me and to move on. If I focus on acceptance of the experience as something I cannot change, I am able to shift my mindset to a frame of resiliency and empowerment. It is something that I survived and even overcome. It is an experience that is a part of me now and makes up who I am as a person. In my line of work, it is an integral piece that allows me the opportunity to feel empathy for others that have experienced similar traumas or carry similar resentments. For all intents and purposes, I could not likely do what I do today, I certainly would not have the insight, without going through those things in my life. As terrible as those things were and as evil as the people that perpetrated those things may seem, one fact is undeniable, I would not be who I am today without experiencing and overcoming those harms. For this today, I am incredibly grateful to be as strong and resilient as I am.
I am a survivor! I am resilient! I am compassionate! I am blessed to have the opportunity to share my experience, strength, and hope with others. To do this though I had to forgive, accept, and let go.
